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Road Blocks

April 27th, 2006 by kwentongbayan

Last Tuesday, I had it again. That unexplainable, can’t-get-rid-of-it sadness. In the beginning, I was just stressed, probably by the heat (walang panama ang aircon sa bay ko), by the traffic and irritable commuters that morning and by the gazillions of deadlines I have to meet. Or baka naman, gutom lang ako…(Vanessa?) But by the end of the day, ang stress naging depress. For no apparent reasons.

But thinking about it now, there actually were stimuli.

1. Earlier in the afternoon, I talked to a friend who’s working for this new show that I’ve been wanting to work for. Kasabayan ko sya sa industriya na pumasok. During our early years, I was given better opportunities and kind of inched my way ahead of my contemporaries. No competition naman. I just thought na now she’s practically better off than I am. Despite those few good inches I had.

2. A little before that, my sister texted me about a job opening abroad. Which was fine. I’ve always thought that I am my parents’ biggest investment. So far, they haven’t had their ROI. I really want to go some place else, not only to have a fatter salary but also to detox. Pero tumatiming pa ko. I just don’t want it shoved down my throath.

3. The gazillions of deadlines. I’m working on three projects right now. One of which is subdivided into four. So in essense, pito sya. And it’s not even my job to do it. But I am obliged to do it.

4. One of those projects need a 3D animation. I AM NOT A 3D ANIMATOR FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Although I really want to learn. So I just took it as an opportunity to learn. Pero dapatwat subalit ang world ay kumoconnive at pinapahirapan ako. There actually is an easier way out of this, pero I chose to stay on the course dahil nasimulan ko na. Sayang pagod.

5. A work colleague was asking help, at kahit tambak na ang trabaho ko I still said "yes". But in the middle of my helping him, i felt really stressed and wanted to walk out on him. And I did. Pero hindi naman masyado maeksena. Tinakasan ko lang sya.

6. Another friend who’s having issues with her love life was confiding in me. I wanted to be that friend who’s willing to listen that time, and I did. Pero just like number 5, hindi ko din kinaya. It just pulled me down lower. Tinakasan ko din sya.

7. I thought of doing something to help me escape. Food came as a ready solution. But it’ll be close to two weeks na of my successful diet scheme, and I did not want to ruin it. The rumbling of my stomach was loud but I had to ignore it.

8. My phone had been idle for the longest time. Nobody loves me! Naghihintay sana ako ng text na magpapasaya. I suddenly remembered a friend, who sort of got lost in action, then suddenly reappears, one reason was a favor that was asked from me. Really fine okay with me. Pero after that, medyo nawala na naman sya. Baka busy sa trabaho.

Walo din yun ah. Tsktsk.

I thought that with my new found happiness, all things will be easier for me, because I felt happiness springing from within me and it was overwhelming. I thought that with my new found happiness I’d be able to hurdle the road blocks. I tried praying but it won’t go away.

Naalala ko tuloy ang paboritong parable ng aking Tatay. He made me read it one night during my freshman in high school. Medyo pasaway kasi ako non, he thought I wasn’t giving my best shot sa school. Three servants were entrusted with different talents. One was given five talents, the other three, and the third one, just one talent. He who was given five, used it well and earned five more. He was rewarded well by the master because of this. The one given three talents used it well and earned two more. He also was given a reward by the master. The one who received only one talent burried it and did not use it because he was afraid his master will get angry at him if he used it at his own liberty. He was punished because of slothfulness, and his talent was given to the one who had ten talents.

This probably is the lesson from the parable of the talents. Anything given to you, if not nourished, if not cultivated, if not taken care of, to grow into something bigger, will be taken away from you. Holding on to it will not be enough. It will rust, it will fade, it will die.

I probably am just exaggerating. It actually, somehow feels weird for me, not to mention the credibility lacking, to sound preachy and biblical . But the lesson struck me really hard, even harder than when it did that night when alone with my father and his bible, I decided to do better at school.

I have to do something about this before it fades away, again.

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Nauna ang Nuebe

April 22nd, 2006 by kwentongbayan

Sunday, 9:10 A.M.

Kakatapos ko lang iset ang render queue at iniwanang nagtatrabaho mag isa ang aking computer. Kaya cable surfing muna ako. Ang cable ay punung-puno ng mga palabas na "evangelical", i think most especially because it is a Sunday. Pero what caught my attention is this kabaduyan OBB ng isang Taiwanese series airing on RPN. Watching it made me nostalgic and melancholic. Naalala ko lang ang panahon ng aking kabataan.

Our family (as in buong pamilya), used to watch this Chinese epic teleserye sa RPN. Hindi sya nakadub sa kahit anong lenguahe na maiintindihan namin. Pero naintindihan pa din namin. Maganda ngang bonding time namin yun, interpreting what could be happening in the story as we took context clues, kung nag-aaway na ba o nag-iiyakan o fight scene etc. At inaabangan namin sya linggo-linggo.

Narealize ko tuloy…RPN 9 is such a pioneer. At least sa dalawang phenomenon na napagdaanan ng Philippine TV. Una, ang mga Latin telenovelas. Sa Channel 9 kami unang nakapanood nito. La Traidora. Lunch time pa ang timeslot nya, sinusubaybayan na namin ito ng aking nanay. At kahit pa nilipat ito sa primetime, di pa din kami bumitiw. The story has sense, fast paced at mas passionate ang mga kissing scenes. Haha! This of course, paved the way for Marimar etc. etc. hanggang sa Dos Amores na I think ang nalalabi na lang na umeereng Latin soap.

At kung tutuusin, una ding nakapanood ng chinovelas sa Channel 9. Hindi nga lang dubbed. Pero sila pa din ang nauna.

Sa Channel 9 din unang pinapili ang sambayanan kung ano nga ba: ang salapi ba o ang nakatagong laman ng sisidlan?

Dito din siguro ako unang nakapanood ng Home TV Shopping.

Sayang at ganito na ang state ng programming ng RPN ngayon. Or should I say, ng buong station. For my BC 130 class, I interviewed someone (I think Programming Director sya) of RPN 9. Ang problema daw, napag-iwanan talaga sila ng ibang networks in terms of technical capability. Ano nga ba naman ang maaasahan ng isang government owned network. (Wait, di ba naprivatize na sya?)

Kasabay ng paglubong ng nuebe at pag-angat ng mga giant networks, natabunan din at nabawasan ang pagkakataon for independent TV producers, mga blocktimers. Naturalmente, the giant networks won’t give good airtime to blocktimers. One significant effect, mas nahihirapan makakuha ng sponsorship ang mga blocktimers.

I’m just passionate about these thoughts dahil masasabi kong sa maikling panahon pa lamang ng aking karir, ay lumaki ako sa industriya ng block timing. At nakakalungkot when your show has to go off air, dahil wala kang sponsors. Tapos later on, makikita mo ang same concept ng show na gagawin ng giant networks. Waaah! Mas nakakainis yon! To condole myself, iniisip ko na lang ang paniniwalang "nothing is original anymore".

And it is a free market. Hindi natin masisisi ang market forces. Kahit pa nauna ang nuebe, totoo na sa industriya, someone is as good as his last show. Pero kung asensado din kaya ng Channel 9, mas may chance kaya ang mga blocktimers, (more room for diversity in TV programming), like how it was during the 80s when bulk of TV programming are produced by independent companies? O gaya lang din sya ng giant networks?

Basta ako, magkamal lang ako ng milyones, i’ll get myself my own cable channel. Tas mga production friends, tayo nang magproduce ng ating mga dream shows, yung makabuluhan at may kalidad, and let’s make our mark, if not baguhin ang landscape ng telebisyon. Hihi. =D

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Il Mare / The Lake House

April 20th, 2006 by kwentongbayan

Sobra lang akong naexcite tungkol dito. I was watching Entertainment Tonight sa ETC a while ago, and they gave a sneak preview of "The Lake House" ang Hollywood version ng aking ever so love and favorite Korean film "Il Mare".

A lonely doctor (Sandra Bullock) who once occupied an unusual lakeside
home begins exchanging love letters with its newest resident, a
frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves). When they discover that they’re
actually living two years apart, they must try to unravel the mystery
behind their extraordinary romance before it’s too late.

Pero hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba talaga ako dito. Feeling ko kase ninakawan ng prestige na naman ang mga Asyano. I wanted Il Mare sana to be known sa level ng Hollywood films for what it is, not to have a Hollywood counterpart. Ewan. Hay. Basta, loyal pa din ako sa mga Koreano!

I think I fell in love with the movie in its entirety. The cast, the story, the plot, the music, the lines, the cinematography (I swear! Kaya ba ang ganitong kulay at lamig sa pelikulang Pilipino?!). Hindi ko lang alam if i’ll have the same love affair with the Keannu-Sandra Bullock second time around tandem. Kung bibili din ba akong ng pirated DVD at papanoorin paulit-ulit-ulit-ulit at idadownload ang soundtrack pate. WAAAH! Il Mare really made me cry. Salamat kay Miray for introducing me to Il Mare at sa iba pang mga Asian movies.

IL MARE FOREVER! WAHAHA!

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System Restore

April 20th, 2006 by kwentongbayan

Grabe nang nasayang ang aking mga araw for this week, thinking about how to troubleshoot my oh so lovable computer, na muntik nang maging computah! Pano ba naman, nawala lang ako ng ilang araw, pagbalik ko, wala na din syang desktop! At wala ding taskbar! At ayaw ding magright click! Eh lahat ng solution na naisip ko, at ng mga techie na mga tao na pinagtanungan ko either needs right clicking the desktop, or opening the control panel which needs the taskbar. LECH!!!

Sa aking kapraningan, naisip ko tuloy…"may sumasabotahe sa akin". I did not go the the office the Sunday before my computer went bonkers. But someone actually turned it on, and in the time that it was used that Sunday, three errors were logged by the computer. Salamat sa feature na ito ng Windows na error logging. Ndiscover ko na may gumamit ng PC ko around 12 noon that Sunday, April 09. CSI eto.

And I consulted our IT department, the person whom we consulted gave me a very snappy and convenient response: "kailangan na ireformat ang C mo." WAAAH! Hinde poydi!!! Sobrang hassle kaya maginstall ulit ng mga programs, and God knows kung nasan na ang mga installer namin dito sa office. Grrrr. Buti na lang malaki ang tiwala ko sa sarili ko sa mga oras na ganito. Before I finally gave up, I remembered (yesterday the world was so young lola let’s dance). I mean, naalala ko, hindi ko sya pa pinagdasal.

So I prayed. Oh yeah I prayed. It works. It really works.

The answer came thru my high school friend Michael Velarde, who we fondly call "Mike Velarde". O di ba, for more Catholic charismatic El Shaddai! Madami syang binigay na suggestions on how to go about my problem. Pero eto ang nagwork sa lahat: SYSTEM RESTORE.

Sa Help and Support Center ng Windows, may isang task na ang tawag nga ay, System Restore. Magbibigay ka ng isang specific date sa computer (called the RESTORE POINT), date from the past, kung kelan huling nagwork ng maayos ang computer mo, or basta kung kelang araw mo gustong bumalik na ikaw at ang computer mo ay still working harmoniously. Para itong time space warp (ngayon din!).

And so I set the restore point to April 1, para safe at sure na sure, date before April 9 kung kelan may nangealam ng computer ko.

IT WORKED! Napamura pa ako. Pero binawi ko bigla. Tama ba naman kasing matapos masolb ang problema, magmumura pa. Dapat "Thank you Lord!" Amen to that. Hihi.

Nakakatuwa lang. I was wondering if whoever thought of that system restore capability had frustrations over turning back time. It’s ctrl Z much even better! Kase hindi lang certain particular mistakes ang ineerase nya, but the whole computer system itself.

Sana may system restore din sa buhay. (OO. Alam kong napakapredictable na ganito ang magiging punto ko.) Pero bakit hinde?

Don’t we all want to go back to a particular time and wish that things would have turned out differently?

Friendships and romantic relationships that turned from sweet to sour over time.
Your figure two years ago, or four years ago, or to that time when everyone thought "nagdodroga ka siguro".
A point something short to become an honor student.
Passion and energy for work.
A job that I should’ve not said yes to.
That night when I should’ve stayed beside my father in the hospital.
Words that should’ve been said. Or should’ve not been said.
That night when confession was traded for a gulp of cold beer.

Ang dami. But then again, no regrets. Wala naman ngang system restore sa tunay na buhay. Reformat siguro pwede pa. Or installing anti virus or whatever. (MASYADO NANG CHEESY). =D

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Subconcious Self, Conscious Problems

April 17th, 2006 by kwentongbayan

Lech my computer. Blank ang desktop nya ngayon. I consulted our IT department and they can only give me this solution: reformat my C drive. WAAAH! Sobrang hassle yon! I would need to reinstall everything! So I tried disk/error checking muna. Which takes 10 gazillion years. Enough excuse to kill time. Tickle tests proved to be very helpful. One test that’s really fascinating is the one i attached below, my results of course. My comments on bold.
___________________________________________________

Your Subconscious Self
What’s Really on Your Mind?

Norman vincent, your subconscious mind is most preoccupied with issues around your work life. WAAAH!!! Hindi nga ito sa subconscious lang eh!

On a conscious level, you might already be aware that something is troubling you, or eating up a lot of time when it comes to your work life. But it’s also possible that thoughts and feelings about working have been preoccupying your subconscious mind — leaving you with nothing more than a general sense that things just don’t feel 100% right in your life though you can’t quite figure out why. OH….OKAY.

You may question whether you should, or shouldn’t be, working. I SHOULDN’T BE BUT I SHOULD. You may be dissatisfied with your career or drained by the day-to-day of your job. Maybe people don’t consider what you do to be valuable. THEY WILL WHEN I’M FINALLY GONE. Or maybe you’re so frustrated with your work situation you avoid the topic all together.

Whichever feelings hold true, your test results indicate that right now, your subconscious mind is working overtime to resolve the issues confronting you in this area of your life — even if you don’t feel aware of it.

However, you can learn easy ways to tap into your subconscious mind and discover the source of the issues that are preoccupying you.
_____________________________________

Eto na yon. Kailangang magbayad para ma"discover the source of the issues that are preoccupying you." Kainis.

Hemingwaist, I don’t know if this test will help me come up with a decision. I have been offered a position somewhere else, in a network produced show. I can not say that it is stable. Walang stability sa networks. And I can not risk not earning anything for a month. Unlike in my current job where I am given a monthly. Hay. But I’m burnt out already. I’m in a rut in the walls of Intramuros. Yet I fear change and taking big risks. What to do? WAAAH! Good luck to me.

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Dati -rati

April 15th, 2006 by kwentongbayan

Kinalkal ko lang ang aking lumang profile sa isang networking site na sinign up-an ko. At eto ang aking lumang "about me". This is so yesterday.

_______________________________________

I think a lot. I get depressed. I get pressured. I get depressed. I eat a lot. I try not to eat a lot. I fail. I get sad. I see someone. I become happy. I become sad. I get depressed. I sing. I puff a smoke. I puff another one. I puff just another one. I pick up the pieces. I move on. I try to move on. I pretend to move on. I pretend to be normal. I pretend to be happy. I suffocate. I try to breathe. I explode. I cry. I shout. I failed. I get depressed. I eat a lot. I try not to eat a lot. I fail. I get sad. I get depressed. I think a lot.

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The Big Thing

April 15th, 2006 by kwentongbayan

A few weeks ago, nagpahula ako kay Miao, ang manghuhula na nirefer nina Erica. I’ve long planned for that hula session to happen. When 06 entered, I felt that I was aimless, and I wanted the stars to tell me what to do, and how to do things. Kaya part of my grand plan for the year ay magpahula.

So I met with Miao, kasama ko si Pinky. Miao is not a cat. He’s a card reader. So ayan na nga nagbasa na ng cards. Generally, I wasn’t pleased with what the cards supposedly told me. Or maybe, how Miao read the cards. Masyadong general ang mga bagay. Like when I asked, "Should I quit my job?", ang sagot ay "Not if you don’t have any other option, or another job to transfer to." WAAAH! Anobuzz. Malamang. So there. Baka mali lang din ako ng pagtatanong.

Halfway the cardreading session, I had accepted and kept on telling myself that, no, this hula isn’t what I am looking for. I had convinced myself that it holds no answer to my questions, nor clues as to what direction I should take.

Pero may huling hirit itong si Miao.

Tumingin sya ng matagal sakin, as if reading my aura or something, then said: "Prepare for April 13. Something big is going to happen."

Yayks. Kinabahan ako. "Is it good, or is it something bad?" I asked. Good naman daw sabi nya.

A definite date to look forward to. But I kept telling myself not to expect something, or anything at all. Pero when my head keeps going at hindi ko mapigilang mag-imagine, napapaisip ako. Is it something romantic? Hmmm.. (Sana!) Or something work related? (A better offer?) Money related? (Huwebes Santo yon eh, walang draw ang lotto. Shiyat). But again I snap back to my senses and shuts out all the imagining. I want that big thing to happen like it is really bound to happen…something I did not plan, I did not imagine, something that will really surprise me.

And I did not wait for April 13. Well yeah, time and again sisingit ang imagination, reminding me that April 13 is a week away…a couple of days away…April 13 is tomorrow…APRIL 13 NA!

But unfortunately, April 13 just passed me by like any other day. Nothing "big" happened. I stayed up ’til mga 3AM sa pagmomovie marathon, woke up late, had lunch, went out late in the afternoon diretso night swimming with my high school friends, and went home a little past midnight.

In retrospect, the only thing that made me go "wow" that night was the full moon. It was at its brightest that I have ever seen. I even took a picture of me, with the clear sky and the moon behind me. I was just a silhouette.

So nalungkot ba ako? Hindi naman. Hula is hula. Miao was just not precise siguro. Or, did I miss on something….hmmm…HONO! I missed that "prepare" part. Miao told me to prepare for April 13. And I did not. Jeez…makes me think. Had I prepared for Holy Thursday, could have that "big thing" happened?

But I couldn’t care less anymore. Baka the big thing came a bit early lang. Because something really BIG happened on April 11.

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Lenten Special

April 11th, 2006 by kwentongbayan

I was on the bench for so long. But I can feel the game will soon start for me. I felt it this morning. The coach gave me a signal to get myself ready.

Amen.

Ditto Che. Bliss is inevitable.

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